‘We must all learn to live together as brothers or we will all perish together as fools. We are tied together in the single garment of destiny, caught in an inescapable network of mutuality. And whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. For some strange reason I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the way God’s universe is made; this is the way it is structured’.

Martin Luther King ‘Letter from Birmingham Jail’ (source http://inwardoutward.org/2013/05/20/the-single-garment-of-destiny/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Inwardoutward+%28inward%2Foutward%29)

..and somehow I think that means more than individual households in the same village consuming all they are able to and practising live and let live….

One of the LPs I was given was ‘In the Court of the Crimson King’ by King Crimson. I don’t claim to have ‘got’ this yet: I think it takes several plays before you can even begin to sketch the contours of great music. I fact, I doubt that you ever ‘get’ it.

This is something I am growing to like:-

My 9 year old son who is part of the 50% of this household who ‘feels’ music says that this is ‘quite good’. Indeed it is…and so much more…

Here is where I am grateful not to be an employee. I am not paid a wage or a salary (and if you are ordained, ignore the occasional siren voice that says ‘we pay your wages’) but rather a stipend. I think a stipend is defined as enough money to live on so that you have space to pray, to study and ‘to be’. And yes- we do confuse availability with activity; one reason why the great Eugene Peterson says that a ‘busy minister’ is an oxymoron like an ‘unfaithful husband’.

Sometimes, like this week I get presented with something to preach on whose meaning is not immediately apparent. Actually, most stuff in the Bible is not immediately apparent; you have to wait, listen, pray and wrestle. I honestly do despair of people who consistently get up early on Sunday to prepare worship from scratch: if it means so little to you- how do you expact anyone else to engage with what you are saying?

So I have spent a lot of time this week wrestling with the book of Romans. It is not easy to understand. It is like someone has been so captivated by an idea (Jesus is alive, Jesus has changed things) that he throws the kitchen sink at it- he uses prose, poetry, Jewish scripture, hits a point, rounds it, goes off at a tangent and comes back later, much later. I would love more time with this book as it blows apart the GCSE lite definition of Christian as a nice person who is kind and believes strange things: a ‘christian’ becomes a weak anaemic word that no sane adult would want anything to do with.

But then again I have heard so much bad preaching on Romans- dull, dry, word heavy & if the sermon could be personified it would be like a grey man in a dull suit who just looks angry most of the time. The passionate word of life becoming angry words to beat people around the head with. And don’t get me started on the heavy use of ‘the language of Zion’ whenever someone preaches on this….

I am still wrestling- but even at this stage, I don’t think I am going to win…

‘I’m fine….honest…’

OK, there has been a bit of doom and gloom about these parts recently. That is because there is a lot of doom and gloom about these parts. Or at least the way that I perceive things has led me to interpret things in a ‘doom and gloom’ manner.

I suppose I could have blogged differently. I have been around people long enough to know that some never see things in this way. Although I often think many sometimes see things in this way but can never admit to doing so in public. I read a really helpful post on this yesterday which talked about perfectionism:-

‘We all know this is a hard habit to break once it starts. When you make your life look perfect, the pressure to maintain the illusion grows. No one sees what’s really happening, and no one knows about the exhausting cycle taking over your life’.

The article continued with 3 incisive paragraphs that were to me like water in a parched land:-

‘Breaking the cycle takes a few brave acts. It starts with admitting we’re not perfect, and taking the huge step of letting others see our flawed selves. It can start with small things, like inviting people over to an imperfect house, or showing an imperfect smile during a picture, or letting imperfect kids run a little wild sometimes. And no, it’s not about setting low standards, but about living real, honest lives.

Perhaps, an easy way to fight against our own perfectionism is to allow others to be imperfect. That means having patience, showing grace, and not judging others for their glaring flaws and weaknesses. It means cutting people some slack and realizing that they are probably doing the best that they can with what they got.

It’s important to remember that you aren’t a machine, or a project, or a problem. You don’t need fixing, and you don’t need to be perfect in order to grow. Our imperfections are what make us human, and they help us to relate to each other. So let’s show them off’.

And those words have encouraged me so much….

http://storylineblog.com/2013/05/21/why-you-should-show-off-your-imperfections/

I think another reason why the judgement in this case saddened me is that it effectively stops any fundamental reconsideration of how Methodist Ministers are invited to stay in one place or how they are moved round the country. I had naively hoped that, confronted by employee status, the church would have to make major moves in altering what I believe to be the ‘unsafe’ aspect of both these procedures.

Sorry, this is long!

‘Procedure’ carries with it the notion of ‘systematic’ or even ‘consistency’. From inside experience I have found neither to be the case. The church’s slavish devotion to both bears all the hallmarks of an organisation that has not felt the cold breeze of outside critique. I remember a few years back  a TV review of a reality programme about the life of a Vicar  in the ‘Methodist Recorder’. This detailed the experiences of a Church of England Minister, but it also strayed into the life of a Methodist Minister. At one point the cameras went into a meeting where the Methodist Minister, expecting to stay for longer in a place was voted out by that meeting. The Recorder’s correspondent said something like ‘Perhaps we should not reveal things like this to the TV cameras’. I was saddened: this is exactly the kind of thing where outside scrutiny helps and sometimes reveals the madness within. I recall the shock on the face of one of my family members who said ‘Does this really happen?’…and having to explain that ‘Indeed it does’ (This is one of the depressing aspects of my church’s policies: generally those who control them say they are ok….generally those who are outside those procedures struggle to comprehend them).

This is a live issue- I am currently stuck in the middle of this horrendous process. I am going to meeting after draining meeting and all the time I am thinking that this is an awful, awful over bureaucratic and time consuming process that would not stand up in employment law. I have seen friends experience redundancy and restructuring, so I think I know what I speak of when I say that this process is neither kind or humane; that a church does it is beyond any words that I might have. All I want to do most of the time is crawl away and hide…..or shout a lot at the next person who offers ‘care’ and say ‘If this is care- stuff it: I would prefer justice and consistency thank you’. My friends joke that I have ‘lost my sparkle’ and I guess I have.

And don’t get me started on the process of moving. When an organisation does something that is radically different than any other employer and most other denominations I would say one of two things:-

- It is confident that it is a better system than anything else on offer.

-It is holding on, stubbornly to something that it cannot let go of and is afraid to reconsider.

Reluctantly I am moving towards the latter opinion. Can it really be right in 2013 to allocate vacancies on the basis of a central 2 or 3 day meeting that leads people to uproot homes and lives sometimes miles away from support systems? It may have worked many years ago when churches were much more community based (although talking to adults who were children when these things happend to them, I am not convinced)- I don’t think it works well now. There is a time to move and a time for careful, prayerful consideration of such; I doubt that this disempowering ‘one size fits all process is’. The reluctance of the organisation to examine this is depressing. One way of viewing this court judgement is that it now gives the church more scope to offer any placement in sees fit. For the dumb schmucks stuck in this process with dependents (ie me) that is a terrifying and depressing prospect.

I have ranted. I am affected by the fact that both of these are live issues for us. You may say ‘well it is what you signed up for’. To that you have a point- you may be right. But then again, I really want to say to those who say that ‘So you still earn 10’6 a week, for an 84 hour 6.5 day week with no holiday or sick pay? You don’t? Well that means that some people tried to change what you signed up for because it was not good’.

I had hoped that a different judgement would have impacted on both those issues but it is not to be. I love ministry; it is what I feel called to, but the thought of having to go through processes like this for another 20 years is too much. I have largely lost faith in our current systems and see no sign of them ever changing. Being outside that system is more and more attractive…..

…sigh…

Last week the Law Lords reached a final judgement on Preston v Methodist Church of Great Britain. (see http://ukscblog.com/case-preview-the-president-of-the-methodist-conference-v-preston-formerly-moore for some background) The judgement was complex, but the upshot was that Methodist Ministers are not ‘employees’, but rather ‘office holders’

I don’t claim to be a legal authority, but I do confess to be being disappointed by this verdict. It is not so much that I want to be an employee; I am largely ambivalent on that issue (and I have no time for those who say that being an employee would stop a sense of vocation. Hello….so you can’t be a teacher/roadsweeper/Cheif Executive and have a sense of vocation?). What I am most upset about is not having the right that if something goes wrong to appeal to an independent authority, ie an Employment tribunal.

Don’t get me wrong: the Church is extremely good generally in it’s care for ‘Office Holders’. But, like the little girl with the little curl; when she is good, she is very very good and when she is bad she is horrid. I have seen too many people hurt/treated badly and ignored/marginalised/left to suffer; they have nowhere to go but ‘out’ if something goes wrong. I feel that this is because all our complaints/grievances are dealt with purely internally. However pure someone’s motives are, it is almost impossible for an organisation to judge itself impartially. I joined a Trade Union several years ago as I eventually felt I needed someone to fight for me and my family if ever things went wrong.

In any other sphere of employment, at least someone has the right of a Tribunal: we don’t. I don’t think being an employee with this protection is perfect by the way: I was a local authority employee for 9 years- but at least it gave the hope of redress. An organisation that doesn’t have the potential of an independent corrective runs the risk of being an ‘unsafe’ place to work in.

And I know the arguements and reasons were complex, but there is something plain wrong IMHO about an organisation that has such a good reputation for advocating for justice to go to law to deny the same rights for its own office holders….

It is Pentecost Sunday. Increasingly I find it hard to preach on this Sunday. How do you preach without falling between the twin stools of (a)sensationalist cliche in the language of Zion’ that bears no relation to Monday morning or (b) talking out/rationalising the mystery and strangeness and ending up with a moral lesson about God bringing understanding?

And I confess that I don’t think I have found a good way today in what I have prepared. Lets just see what happens….

So I will merely repeat the collect of the day from the Methodist Service book:-

‘God’s love has been poured into our hearts

through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Come, Holy Spirit,

and renew the face of the earth.’

A quote like that could descend into cliche. It is just a reminder to me where I am now that there are always other ways & to beware the voice that says ‘this is the way that it is done’.

Blogging helped me find others that think differently and helped me realise that I am not insane.

Thank you

This video went viral this week. I prefer the Bowie version, but in this case the video and the song ‘make sense’ and are incredibly moving. I will never hear this song quite the same way again.

…and this is also to celebrate my favourite athiest funeral director clearing out his old Bowie LPs and donating them to the church (well me).

This could go on forever, but I will stop today.

I came to faith in an evangelical subculture. This had many strengths/has many strengths. But what I hadn’t realised was sometimes being caught between the twin poles of alpha male speakers (think of the language of ‘subdue’, ‘have dominion over’, ‘surrender’ etc and that is before we get onto very alpha ideas of the lone pioneer or ‘discovering your destiny’. And on another subject: why do certain male speakers of that genre always appear taller than their wives, who in turn always seem to have died blonde hair…) and excessively female imagery in songs; I started to gag at singing ‘Jesus is my boyfriend’ type songs. Even now as I hear the lyric ‘take me deeper into you, make my flesh life melt away’, something makes me want to break out into hysterics….

What I loved about retreat on that island was trying to discover a male spirituality that did not rely on dominance and aggression but had a measure of strength and vulnerability. It was ok to pray, share deeply, lose the mask of invulnerability and at the same time banter, fart, make toilet jokes, swear and build fires. Realising you are male, a Jesus follower and you don’t have to pretend/assume false piety is a very powerful thing.

I don’t claim to have discovered ‘a model’: there isn’t one, but the route of honesty is good for the journey…

Another reflection with lots of pictures! http://thisfragiletent.com/2013/05/07/aoradh-wilderness-retreat-2013/